Polluted Intuition: The Art of Imperfect Coexistence

Living aimlessly in the day-to-day.
Living intuitively.
Living without a self-imposed structure.

I believe you cannot schedule creative sprints, moments of channelling, energy/karmic cycles, or divine timing, so I strived to master the art of living in alignment—following internal cues, physiological and cognitive, as well as external energetic cycles.

It started with something small years ago. Having struggled with eating disorders and after many failed diets and adjustments, my sole goal became to eat intuitively, free from worry. The process was lengthy, requiring significant learning—not just of information but also of habits. Ultimately, I got there.

I decided to apply the same principles to other areas of my life. Learning, unlearning, and embedding new practices became the norm with all initiatives. As I swiftly navigated through the deconditioning phase of the experiment, I found myself managing what I now describe as a polluted intuitive way of living.

Initially, through the deconditioning and reflection phase, I discovered a gentle flow: sleeping as long as my body needed, eating when hungry, creativity flowing effortlessly without pressure around productivity. I had found a peaceful calmness guiding me through each day.

Then I stepped back, albeit in smaller measure, into the structured world of work—on my terms this time. Yet, eight weeks later, I find myself depleted and aimless hour to hour. Clearly, weaving intuitive living with the demands of a job doesn't resonate with my neurodivergent brain. It fosters reactivity and urgency, creating a desire to rush through days rather than truly enjoying them. For about three weeks, my creative light has completely dimmed—indeed, it feels as though the lights have turned completely off, hence my lag in the check-ins.

In this newfound darkness, characters from the past—those I once intentionally left behind—gravitate toward my orbit. A quiet disappointment settles as I notice egos, pride, and self-centredness prevail once more, and how my passivity and non-engagement seem to invite boundary-crossings.

This experiment was born from faith—faith that things can and will improve. However, in clear moments like these, the off-grid fantasy doesn't seem so far-fetched. I started by leading with my heart, then tried to project-manage the experiment whenever possible, only to find myself again at the drawing board for over a week, searching for the right angle for this next phase. While logically and practically it seemed straightforward, I couldn't ignore the misalignment within.

That being said, I'm not abandoning my quest to find meaningful integration between personal autonomy and the existing systems—at least until a global pause can be orchestrated, allowing us collective reconditioning.

Moving forward, I'll begin reintroducing some intentional structure into my days in the hope of rekindling my creativity. I want to explore if it's possible to remain fully aligned and intuitively guided even with some controls in place. Perhaps some old-school discipline will help clear the mental clutter and energetic drain. I'll closely observe for any spikes in creativity.

This next exploration could potentially become a mini-programme to implement during a global pause: a structured framework that allows people to decondition and strengthen their internal cues while broader systemic redesign occurs. My goal is to create a realistic baseline—something manageable within current systemic limitations that still makes space for meaningful change.

While I initially began this experiment convinced that the world wasn't fundamentally broken—and that I could become a blank slate reshaping my environment rather than being shaped by it—I quickly realised that genuine, sustainable change is impossible without deeper systemic restructuring. I previously pivoted toward raising awareness about the immense financial and physical costs of stagnation and burnout, yet here I stand after all the sagas, all the epiphanies, simply trying to grasp the present moment, aiming to make this journey of rebuilding and reconditioning more bearable.

In this next phase, I'll test how far I can push the boundary between intuitive living and functioning in an environment that promotes burnout. I'll sustain the awareness I've cultivated thus far, even though I admit I've been in a haze these past four weeks, watching old feelings and thoughts invade, leaving me aimless in the present moment.

Let’s rewire.